I honestly don’t know where to put this, and here probably isn’t the best place either so admins can delete if needed!
I don’t know how to keep going most days. I’m at a point where it doesn’t seem worth it most days! The VA is a joke and doesn’t help at all, primary doctor and spine specialist confirm bulged disks, arthritis in spine, severe major depression, PTSD, etc but when I see my neurologist for migraines and epilepsy stuff; they looked my MRI from over a year ago, had me stand up, hobble a couple feet, sit back down and states that my symptoms don’t match the MRI and other doctors diagnoses aren’t correct because I don’t meet a few factors by a point or two!
Stuff I didn’t go to see them about at all… Then proceeds to email my Primary Dr, Spine Specialist, and Insurance of his findings, so now my PT, spine injections, and medical transportation as I’m unable to even drive myself have all been cancelled…
So now I am trying to use the remaining muscle relaxers I have left as sparingly as possible. Been out of bud for over a week now waiting on my current grow to finish up. Can’t afford to buy from the dispo as we need the money for bills and the kids.
No this isn’t to try and get stuff from the people here at all!
I just don’t know what to do anymore! In constant pain where I can barely walk, have to rely on my wife to pretty much do anything or i can barely move the next day. Probably going to have to give up growing as well due to the physical demands of it.
I really don’t know who to talk to, my whole life growing up was to Man Up and show no emotion, Navy was the same for me, emotions were treated as weaknesses and had no place on the ship! Pain is weakness leaving the body, emotions are weakness, fear is weakness, to be a good Sailor one must rid themselves of all weaknesses!
It’s always been to be tough, to not talk about my emotions, how I feel, or anything else. Now I’m suppose to know how to open up and share to be able to move on and recover? I don’t know how to do that. All I know and feel anymore is pain, rage, and that I’m a terrible person/ father!
Have been at the point of offing myself a few times but I don’t know what would happen to my kids. I’m the black sheep on my family sense I don’t I’m not a Christian and refuse to let them cram it down my throat each time I see them so don’t have family to rely on. Even got a card from one set of grandparent that sense they hadn’t heard from me in over a year (I had to initiate all contact to begin with) that they don’t know if I’m still alive and won’t try to contact again.
I can feel the constant regret/ disappointment from my wife with my limitations. I feel like I’m not allowed to even breakdown/cry at all. I honestly can’t tell you the last time I cried. I feel the urge everyday but all I know of how to hold it back, to keep my emotions locked up inside. That if I cry, breakdown, showed the slightest weakness that I’m not a man! The last person that saw be breakdown wouldn’t even look at me the same afterwards, like they couldn’t respect me anymore after seeing my weaknesses. I don’t know how to have a gentle, touchy-feely side after being raised/trained to show no emotion, be tough, be a man, suck it up, etc.
I really don’t know what to do anymore. Thanks for letting me rant and try to talk about it.