Broken and Defeated

I honestly don’t know where to put this, and here probably isn’t the best place either so admins can delete if needed!

I don’t know how to keep going most days. I’m at a point where it doesn’t seem worth it most days! The VA is a joke and doesn’t help at all, primary doctor and spine specialist confirm bulged disks, arthritis in spine, severe major depression, PTSD, etc but when I see my neurologist for migraines and epilepsy stuff; they looked my MRI from over a year ago, had me stand up, hobble a couple feet, sit back down and states that my symptoms don’t match the MRI and other doctors diagnoses aren’t correct because I don’t meet a few factors by a point or two!

Stuff I didn’t go to see them about at all… Then proceeds to email my Primary Dr, Spine Specialist, and Insurance of his findings, so now my PT, spine injections, and medical transportation as I’m unable to even drive myself have all been cancelled…
So now I am trying to use the remaining muscle relaxers I have left as sparingly as possible. Been out of bud for over a week now waiting on my current grow to finish up. Can’t afford to buy from the dispo as we need the money for bills and the kids.
No this isn’t to try and get stuff from the people here at all!

I just don’t know what to do anymore! In constant pain where I can barely walk, have to rely on my wife to pretty much do anything or i can barely move the next day. Probably going to have to give up growing as well due to the physical demands of it.

I really don’t know who to talk to, my whole life growing up was to Man Up and show no emotion, Navy was the same for me, emotions were treated as weaknesses and had no place on the ship! Pain is weakness leaving the body, emotions are weakness, fear is weakness, to be a good Sailor one must rid themselves of all weaknesses!
It’s always been to be tough, to not talk about my emotions, how I feel, or anything else. Now I’m suppose to know how to open up and share to be able to move on and recover? I don’t know how to do that. All I know and feel anymore is pain, rage, and that I’m a terrible person/ father!
Have been at the point of offing myself a few times but I don’t know what would happen to my kids. I’m the black sheep on my family sense I don’t I’m not a Christian and refuse to let them cram it down my throat each time I see them so don’t have family to rely on. Even got a card from one set of grandparent that sense they hadn’t heard from me in over a year (I had to initiate all contact to begin with) that they don’t know if I’m still alive and won’t try to contact again.
I can feel the constant regret/ disappointment from my wife with my limitations. I feel like I’m not allowed to even breakdown/cry at all. I honestly can’t tell you the last time I cried. I feel the urge everyday but all I know of how to hold it back, to keep my emotions locked up inside. That if I cry, breakdown, showed the slightest weakness that I’m not a man! The last person that saw be breakdown wouldn’t even look at me the same afterwards, like they couldn’t respect me anymore after seeing my weaknesses. I don’t know how to have a gentle, touchy-feely side after being raised/trained to show no emotion, be tough, be a man, suck it up, etc.

I really don’t know what to do anymore. Thanks for letting me rant and try to talk about it.


This is actually the correct place, and you can rant like this all you want as long as forum rules are followed.

I don’t feel your pain or know your situation, but I’m definitely familiar with “pain is weakness leaving the body”. Yessir, my father is formerly 3 tour marine corps gunny. And i was definitely raised to successfully complete boot camp by the time i went into high school. I know that if you’re strong enough to survive all that you’ve endured than you’re always strong enough to make another day.

It doesn’t matter what your motivations are either. You can do it for your kids, yourself, or to prove everyone else wrong. But you have to do it. Use this place to let out what you can’t let out at home, but keep searching for those connections that can relate without judgement. Keep fighting with the doctors. If you exhaust everything with them, find new doctors. There are some good ones out there that will advocate for you, and hopefully get you what you need to be more comfortable. In the meantime, do everything you can to grow. Figure out how to make it easier on yourself, or come here with most troubling parts and see if we can brainstorm ways to make it more reasonable.

No matter what, don’t give up!


Hey. I can’t begin to fathom all you are going through. You have a family here and we will offer many virtual shoulders you can lean on.

I’ve been in dark places through my existence and pulled through when I thought I could not survive another day.

Our State has free crisis hotlines. Does your State, County, or City provide that type of service?

I know you did not ask but I did grow a lot of stuff this summer and happy to send some your way. Are we connected on IG?

I’ll be thinking of you! My best to you. Keeping looking forward.


Any chance of getting a new MRI ordered from your primary? I just went through some similar BS and the wild part is it was the exact same doctor both times. First time I saw him, he reviewed the MRI and decided he could help with pain management. Did an epidural, and when that didn’t work we went to nerve block trials. Then after seeing him for the nerve block, he said no way, surgery was going to be the only way he could imagine ever getting better. I’m fortunate enough to be in a big enough city I have other doctors, and I’m going to get a second opinion. if you have that luxury, I’d sure recommend that too. I know the VA isn’t the most helpful in that respect, though.

Being here helps. We’re all here for one reason or another, and a lot of us are here for a similar reason. Chronic pain management, anxiety, and depression are all household ailments. My MIL has small fiber neuropathy and I worry she feels a lot of the same emotions you do. Her mobility is limited, but we don’t have any expectations from her. I wish she was better about asking for help - she often waits until she’s pushed herself too far and simply can’t anymore. If she asked before doing too much, I think she would be able to do more generally. Pride is hard to get past. She still offers to pay for the weed I give her, and I still won’t accept a dime. I started growing to help her. It helps more than just her now, but I won’t ever forget why I started in the first place.

Perhaps hearing peoples’ experiences on both sides of things may help, too.

I’m with dbrn, just wake up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other. Explore options, even if that means googling around for other doctors - even someone who accepts your insurance and does telehealth visits. The less you can be on your feet and straining yourself while you try to get the proper care, the better for your health in the long run.

I know you don’t need solutions as much as just a place to vent, but we’re here for you. We are listening and we care. I process by thinking out loud - maybe you’ve already had these ideas, maybe it’s something new to think about.


Definitely go somewhere nice and have a good cry. Then you’ll feel euphoria as you wipe your tears. It’ll clear your head.

Seriously with love


I wish you great health and I hope… no I know you will get over this hurdle in life. Ik im only 20 but my dad Taught me to be a soldier but also be compassionate. Men cry men have feelings men can show emotions. We break just like anyone but it’s how we look at things. When you were going to off yourself you thought about your children that is the “Man” in you fighting knowing that you have a responsibility to take care of. It would be very selfish to take a father from a child. You are loved even when you don’t feel it, you are cared for even when you don’t know it, and there are people standing beside you even when you don’t see it. I love you my friend and if shit gets to much hmu. It’s not alway about the here and now we must take a step back from the trees to see The Whole Forest. P.s if you open up to someone and they can’t respect that you opened up… that one shows you their character and two how much you actually mean to them. You don’t need that type of person in your life. surround yourself with loving and caring people and one day you yourself will learn to be more loving and caring to others and (YOURSELF) and when your by yourself let out a hood cry don’t force if it’s not thr but deep down feel it. Realize it’s ok thn the flood gates will open don’t try to stop it just let it end naturally this is also a way to Relinquish pain. Stay strong your a Man and no one can take that from you only you can give it away.:heart_on_fire:


Stay strong buddy for yourself and your family :metal: if you can get your hands on some mushrooms I highly suggest a big dose followed by micro dosing a few weeks. It’ll bring ya back and you’ll feel like a million bucks.
Chin up
Chest out


No judgement here, and this is the perfect place to rant. I know migraines aren’t Something to be taken lightly. That’s a pain that not everyone understands, and can really get to you mentally.
I have confidence you’ll stay strong, even after you have endured so much. You’ve made it this far, and that takes a certain person.
I would communicate to your better half, and explain you need additional support, and I’m confident she will step up and do their best. That’s all you can ask for.

We are here to support you, that’s what this community does.


I am here most every morning starting my day off… I can relate to how you feel and reading the different posts each day may/will make a difference


Seeing my fellow vets hurt and not being able to lend a hand bites.

In my county, we do ride shares for appts and such for all vets.

Not happy with your claim and treatment, we’ll get you to a different county VSO, veteran sevice office and try again.

By the way, i worked at a Veterans Service Office.

@The_Cannabowlist keep coming back, lots of vets with can do experience.


Maybe try searching for an agency or organization in your area that can set you up with a Patient Advocate or Care Manager. I delayed getting help for many years, decades actually, because of many reasons and factors. Just seeing a shrink wasn’t enough for me, I needed help navigating the system as well, understanding my rights as a patient, and dealing with insurance companies who would rather say no to every treatment than shell out money on your behalf.
If you can’t find a service like that online, you can ask about it at a local hospital. That’s actually the way I finally ended up getting the mental health help I needed. I went to the hospital for a totally unrelated physical problem, and there were so many issues dealing with my insurance that they assigned me an advocate from the hospital to assist me. She was incredibly helpful and friendly, and once she got my insurance issue settled for me, I asked a few questions and found out that help like this was exactly what I needed to start the process of getting me into therapy.
I never would have been able to take those steps on my own, so having the advocate made all the difference in the world for me.
Good luck with everything, and I hope you get some relief soon!


My brother-in-law is disabled Air Force. He has dealt with the VA for 40+ years. However he was much too passive with his last medical event and my wife (his sister) stepped in to advocate on his behalf. She has no medical skills but is cool, calm, fact driven and does not take No for an answer. After a day on the phone she found a smaller clinic that could see him in two days rather than the month + that was originally scheduled. Her advocacy may have saved him from major heart damage or strokes.
I hope you have someone in your corner that can reduce some the anxiety and frustration that comes with dealing with a large organization. I think her key was to make enough calls until she found the right person on the inside that finally said “let’s see what I can do”.
I hope you can find that type of person that can help you find what you need.


I cannot relate to your physical pain, but the emotional pain I’m steeping in. You are way strong and fearless obviously. As an American I am sorry that our Government, Country and I have failed you at a time you need us most. Please begin a Go Fund Me account. :pray:t2::pray:t2: look to people like me for a hand up it’s not a hand out. You will raise enough money to pay cash for the MRI. Money isn’t everything but you may be surprised by the amount of people that respond. That would be the most heartwarming part. We The People!!!


If you’re kids are age appropriate teach them not to be afraid of their emotions. And that song for help is never a bad thing.

My heart breaks for your pain. All of the pains. I can tell you, if you have love for your kids, they need you. Any part of yourself that you can give them.

Try to find some guided meditation and keep your eyes on the prize. Your loved ones can pull you through anything, if you let them.


Don’t know if this will help your mil. My wife has neuropathy and use to sit and cry all day.
Then I grew some aculpoco gold photo period.
Just trying anouther strain. She tried many before that. Would get high as heck but still cried with pain. The aculpoco gold though WOW stopped her pain dead she cries no more.
She has ok results with some others always trying new. The key for her is she always has a stash of aculpoco gold to fall back on. If she tries a new strain it doesn’t do the job she hits the aculpoco and is right as rain.
Took me 3 years to find the right stuff with her constantly beating me up with Don’t waste the money this is never going to work. Aculpoco gave her, her life back and she is dam glad I nerer gave up. All cannabis is not the same even if it has all the terp profile one little difference is all it takes.
Aculpoco gold and goldleaf are the top runners for her. Hundreds tried those two work on neuropathy. Have given it to others since that also have neuropathy with similar results. Even some of them said I’ve trie pot it didn’t work. They are still saying thank you. Do not do autos have tried with bad results ie: no pain relief. Plants grew well just didn’t work the same.
Hope you grow both aculpoco gold and goldleaf and have her try them. Good luck.


Sorry to hear this wish I could help with this keep tring different strains and maybe you will get lucky. Took a couple year for us to find the right strain but finally got there. Good luck and keep on moving on.
You may want to look into mushrooms. We have not yet but it’s on my mind. Microdosing only.


Give me a time, I’ll be here, mid-watch, you call it, talk about anything.
Navy days, first toke, first liberty call.

We worried, lets find another path together.


@The_Cannabowlist don’t give up brother!! We need every growmie we can get on this earth. I’ve been killed in a motorcycle and car crash 4yrs apart so I know the wanting to give up part. Pain sucks on a daily for me to doing a manual labor job but my family make it worth it every day. Please Sir find some good smoke and express your feeling on here pal anytime!! That’s what this canna-Fam is all about. Much love and good vibes your way friend!!!


@The_Cannabowlist. Please give vetassist dot org a try. Its veterans helping veterans. All ex vets assisting vets with all needs.

Veterans Service Organization or VSO


My heart goes out to you. Please talk to your wife and kids about your feelings. You should not have to be alone to show feelings and emotions. A VA advocate is a great idea. Get that ball rolling or ask wife to help. Hope your harvest is soon and plentiful.