So Iām on morning two of my getaway. My now ex-partner accepted the fact that I need this literally to save my sanity and health. Iām skeletal, I look like a bag of bones. The stress of an emotionally abusive relationship, with a form of rape while pregnant with my last baby (because he didnāt want me to have baby) then out came his only Son. He has lost 18kg, but he has weight to lose being over 100kg, I canāt convert his weights into pounds sorry usa. I"m a former personal trainer, heās lost his weight too fast. Me I didnāt have anything to lose, so my body has gone into krebs cycle and burnt my own muscle as fuel. Seriously needed to get baby off boob, but I didnāt realize Iād dried up, I donāt have full breasts, itās night two away from my four little kids; 11, 10, 6 & 3yrs old. Thankfully their Dad has stopped drinking because heās trying to win me back, I donāt think he is doing it for himself as such.
So on friday, I took my just rooted clones in little peat pots and transplanted them into slightly bigger pots and watered, I"m hoping that when I get back tomorrow theyāve all survived. I am a little worried about my big tent. Will have him take a pic of them, if I have to Iāll give him instructions to water. The rest should be ok. I flipped to flower in the big tent on May 24th, I"m already almost out of my last harvest so I had to order a 10g of medical to make sure Iām not running out suddenly. My sister and her partner are coming over tonight, Iām staying by myself at my Dadās beach house, theyāre gonna cook me dinner , I said it needs to fatten me up. Itās actually seriously dangerous to internal organs to allow ourselves to get underweight. Damage that can be irreversible. Getting fat is not good, but getting skinny is actually really dangerous. I feel like the exercise industry should acknowledge the two extremes better.
So thatās my Spotās update. Life is not fair but hey Iāll make the most out of it!
You have good direction and insight. That will carry you very far. Im sad youāre having to endure this at such a critical time. Its a lot for one at an already emotionally charged moment. I hope and pray tge best for your whole family.
Thankfully all my cuttings survived my absence! Itās lights out currently so no pics. I did do a video chat to check on the big girls and talked him through a watering, which heās never done before.
My sister and her partner want to take all my gear and grow at their place. They think that Iām risking losing the kids if he gets mad and reports me. Iām thinking that I will stop after the next harvest. But I donāt have to get my gear out, just stop growing, maybe Iāll grow some indoor veggies. All this stuff is really special to me. Plus my sisterās parter, 24yrs older than her, 68yrs old drunk and sleazy. He wouldānt stop talking about me being beautiful and heād fuck me. Then while Iām outside on the phone outside the beach house, talking to my friend, he comes out and wraps himself around me. Iām sooo over being treated like a sexual object.
I had this amazing dream about. man who loved me for me, it was intense love, and he didnāt just want to fuck me. I wish it were real. I just had a joint and thought this is my boyfriend now lol
Your poor brain just trying to sort all this crap out while you sleep. Keep growing the veggies for sure. Hoping for your well being and sorry on behalf of decent guys, that youāre being treated as such. I wouldnāt want to be around that fella either. Keep your head up.
Thanks so much my Growmie friend across the other side of our planet
Iām definitely gonna focus on gaining weight and my muscle mass back. Also more importantly being good Mum. Iām a former personal trainer. This pic is me two weeks ago, our jazz ballet exam is this month, they recorded class two weeks ago. Iām shocked how badly the stress took itās toll on my already underweight frame. Thatās our finishing pose, Iām at middle front as usual lol
Itās 1:43am and Iām laying awake crying. Part of me wants him back, maybe heāll really stay sober and be the partner I need. But then I asked Siri/chatgpt what it was called, was it rape what happened that one time in my last pregnancy 3yrs ago. The response took my breath away. Maybe b/c Iāve experienced more sexual abuse assaults molestation rapes gang rapesā¦ maybe I minimised it. But I canāt anymore . After all the lies, financial abuse, put downs, gaslightingā¦ emotional abuse. Itās time to be alone. But this sux. Iām so thin and need someone but I canāt have anyone
Chance to start again. Youāve identified something to repair with your weight. Start working on you. On the small things you can and would fix. Jordan Peterson changed my life. It took about 2 years and a lot of hard honest conversation with myself and letting go of things I thought were valuable but they were eating me from the inside. I pray you find what you need. There are treasures to be found in dark places.
I think people have greatly misunderstood his intentions. He makes a lot of religious points but they are mostly in a psychological context and application. He uses them to approach questions we all ask.
I like Jordan Peterson, theology is a tricky territory, I believe in our Creator and Jesus. Hindsight is 20:20 I can see how many times Iāve been protected at just the right moment to still be here.
Itās actually seemed like God prepared me and had me do certain things that made this separation happen easier. I prayed to heal our relationship and bring him to Jesus with me. I got a dream about a man that loved me soooo intense yet not sexual. That morning I opened my door to a surprise visitor, a man. I had met him the month prior when I had a day off from kids for the first time in years, I mean years
Hi Spots. Iāve been reading thru catching up and the tears are streaming down my face. My heart breaks for you. I canāt say Iāve been where you are but I do know what it is to have your heart crushed. Thank God for the single set of footprints in the sand while He carries us when we canāt make it on our own. Itās OK to be carried for awhile , lean into it. You deserve to be adored by someone. Donāt settle for anything less. Loving yourself is a fine place to start. I can relate to your weight issue. Iām making the changes required to get my strength back. Please continue to take care of yourself , you are loved and cared for and you ARE worthy of it. I will keep you in my prayers.
For all that youāve got going on your plants are SPECTACULAR!!!
@SausageMahoney thanks for being a true and excellent friend and sounding board. There is a lot of wisdom and kindness and love in your words. Everything a true friend should be.
I think if I hadnāt answered the door and let Angel in I wouldnāt have kicked out my alcoholic abusive partner.
Sadly it was the contrasting way I was being treated that snapped me out of accepting it anymore.
Weirdly the way things unrolled. My eldest & his gf moving out April 21st, cancelling meal kit due to going to smaller household, but āhubbyā gets drunk on my dance class night and then again 5 days later, terrorizes the kids and I over a chair in the wrong place, threatens to kill the guy buying my bread if I run off with him, then bans me from seeing him without him, because I seemed too happy talking about him visiting to buy bread that day. At this point I snapped. I finally told my sister what was going on with me, I asked hubbys friends mum, about her son going to usa, & can I send my drunk to his place to house sit and maybe move in. When I kick him out the meat pack i bought I finally looked at. Weād had a meal kit coming, this was supposed to feed 8, and now I"m one adult 4 kids under 11. It was perfect for me and the kids. I"ve got a harvest to lean into, I still share with hubby, but itās one fat nugget left today. Even signing onto the gvt beni, I got a 20yr pay back of an underpayment from the year 2006 when I was a fully solo mum to one, my 22yr old, his Dad was worse than hubby sadly. I thought Iād upgraded. The gvt gave me just over $1000, which came at perfect timing. Power bill of 667, due to grow and jack russell puppies needing a fan heater on in the room. I still have 7wk old puppies, theyāre doing well. The kids are happy. They see their Dad almost every day. Heās been weird. Just sorry, wants to change for me, stopped drinking, stopped yelling. Crys in front of people, not normal at all. Heās triggered me soooo much. Suddenly heās a sexual abuse victim, heās struggling b/c he realised itās his Dadās drinkng heās copied. Heā pushig all my triggers, causing flashbacks. camraderie about us being alcoholics. but I"m 16yrs since I drank, my drinking led to rapes. Heās admitted to drunk cheating on me once early in our relationship. but he took me to her to get my hair cut!!! Heās admitted to not having his phone in the car at soccer. The whole club heard my calls, mocked my ringtone, downloaded it and played it to prank him!! he admitted this to me. That and how he got the cash to buy booze at the soccer club.
At this point I feel too far gone. The guy buying bread seems scared of me. Heās making sure to not be more than professional. Thatās fun. I feel like Iām still the problem, like heās yelled at me for 15yrs. Itās my fault for not knowing how expensive the groceries are. Itās not because heās getting cash out to buy booze
Thank you my friend, sadly the grow was burnt tonight and it hurt my heart but had to be done. Gotta make sure I donāt risk losing my kids.
Iām sorry you know how it feels to have your heart crushed, I wish it werenāt;'t so! Footprints of God are there. Iāve got a collection of 144, I see it everywhere for months now, over 100 screenshots and pictures, number plates, letterbox I stop at while delivering flyers with the kids, in the phone number of the guy buying my bread. At this point itās beyond a joke. I see it as a biblical number, the 144,000. My great great grandfather was born Damascus 1871, he immigrated to New Zealand age 19. So I actually carry Levant dna, arabian/middle eastern/european jewish/italian/greek/british/irish/scottish/whelshā¦ the 144,000 fascinated me after I started seeing 144. I went to this GE protest with two of my kids in Dec. License plate in front of me, singing my worship tunes, actually missing my Mum crying, jdw144 (I remember by thinking Jesus Did Well 144), then I left my phone in the car to protest, it was literally a xmas parade route and my kids got bank in lollies while holding Protect Our Biodiversity signs up. Itās wrap up time and I ask the lady next to me the time, now remember the license plate on the way, well she flashes phone and exact time is 1:44. When the guy at the picnic gave me his number and said 144 in it, I was like ok God I"m obviously on path. I eventually told him about the dream and the number. He saw the number on a facebook post we are both interested in that topic, sent to me, and I got the 144 an hour later still on it. Iām curious to see if he starts seeing it more. Sign heās become quite a support, and it actually throws me for a loop sometimes. When he told me that I should take care of my kids first, love myself and keep my legs together. I laughed and said thatās what the guy in that dream would say. I donāt like that there is another man in my life right now as I have ended things. It feels very uncomfortable. But I"ve been so isolated, heās the first person to even ask me whatās going on. He has been checking on me. no one has ever turned up quite like he has. Encouraged me like heās been doing. He seems like an actual healthy well rounded human. I"m not sure if thatās possible for me to find. yep Spots is a freaken mess currently. Sigh
Pretty sure Godās got me tho. All that holds me together. Got to be strong for all these beautiful kids I created.
#1. Take care of yourself. Make yourself eat , even if you donāt feel hungry. Stay hydrated. Get as much rest as you can, I know that can be difficult with little ones . Get yourself an indulgence (perhaps a favorite candy or ice cream ?) because you deserve it. Play music sometimes or read something interesting for some relaxing me time. Enjoy your friends but donāt go falling in love with someone. Take your time and make sure you finalize one thing before you start something else. I care very much for you @Spots and want the best for you. Remember itās OK to laugh and be happy. You are not to blame yourself for your current situation. Things are going to be ok. Iām sorry you had to shut down the grow. That bites but you know it was the right thing to do. The best is yet to come. I will keep you in my prayers. I sense a new chapter coming for you thats going to be filled with happiness and love. You have to take good care of you so you can be the best mom for your kiddos.
Thanks @RightAway I have actually been doing that! I think that dream was about Jesus now, but maybe me misinterpreting it was meant to be, that way Iād have some goodish feelings as I broke away from my man. Itās been really weird. I was at a homeschool meet up, itās my christian group, and my friend Gerda was talking to me about not departing from a husband (even tho we never actually married), I told them about the 144 sign Iāve been getting for months, her and her husband agree God can talk to us however God wants. It kinda of led me to this bread guy. Then when I got home, I was measuring the water for my sourdough, needing 700ml I was just estimating. My kids Dad was just across the room saying goodbye, heād watched the little ones so I could take the big ones, anyway I dumped all the water I had in the jug into the bowl to measure and it landed on 666. Which is the number my kids Dad had stamped on the back of his soccer sweatshirt, in the team The Reapers, which is when it started to get really really bad 2016. A certain NZ politicians son, with a one-eye tattoo, a penchant for suggesting drag shows for fundraising, a former drag show restaurant owner in Auckland, who has been up for charges of molestation of a teen with his brotherā¦ a lawyer turned primary school teacher back to criminal lawyer. That was offering my partner lines of ritalin on May 9th when he had his last drink after I. kicked him out May 7thā¦ He got my kids dad called The Beast and all this to happen right as I began following Qanon. heās one of the main characters that has been buying the rounds, hes rich, to keep my man there longer. He wore Jenny Shipleyās bathig suit in the underground swimming pools at NZ beehive shaped parliament. So when tht number dropped I stopped. Gerda said that when I prayed for him to be better the devil worked harder on him. Well yesterday a car parked outside my house with license plate PAL666, I agree to a date with my kids Dad this morning, I want dinner & dancing, heās never even seen me cut loose. No idea what heās had caged. Iād just been discussing dreams Iāve had that come true with my big girls, while they crochet & punch needle threaded crafts, but of course I left out tht recent dream, where a guy was on my doorstep after dreaming about. man that would love me but not sexually. so to look up and suddenly see that license plate, i took a pic. The bread guys surname is supposed to be pronounced Angel. Something has been up in the life for sometime. I am sure that Angel doesnāt actually have mutual feelings. Which Iām actually relieved about. I feel freer today than I have been in a long time. I can focus on my kids and I. The estrangement from my 22yr old, the break-up, the messed up dream triggered infatuation that aināt reciprocated, well that mustāve been Jesus, because no man could ever love me and separate out the sexual being I am. If you saw me dance youād understand. So there is my triple hit. Now itās time to heal and rise again. Apparently after everything Iāve been through I just get stronger. Hunted by The Satanās slaves motorcycle gang, gang raped, trafficked, dodged death as an alcoholic drug addict. This christian cannabis loving Mumma bear isnāt going down easy. God Bless you all, Thank you sooo much for all the support. this place has literally become my venting space. I cry for the death of my dear plants and loss of my special strains and my gifted from outside plants. I guess it was a test. I got away with it this long, off and on 9years. Best be careful to keep custody of my precious kids. I hope we grow some veggies to show yaāll
, I said it needs to fatten me up. Itās actually seriously dangerous to internal organs to allow ourselves to get underweight. Damage that can be irreversible. Getting fat is not good, but getting skinny is actually really dangerous. I feel like the exercise industry should acknowledge the two extremes better.
. After all the lies, financial abuse, put downs, gaslightingā¦ emotional abuse. Itās time to be alone. But this sux. Iām so thin and need someone but I canāt have anyone
